How to Raise a Drug Addict

A complete guide from cradle to crack cocaine

So you want to raise a drug addict? I’ve gotcha covered. In this guide, I’ll detail all the right parenting actions and decisions you need to make to ensure your little one grows up living under a bridge and shooting up heroin. Whether you want them hooked on opioids or amphetamines, I’ll give you the tips and tricks on how to maximize the chances your child achieves all your hopes and dreams for them.

The first thing you need to do is ensure that you give birth at a hospital. Did you know most drug addicts are born in hospitals? It’s true! Epidural or no epidural, C-section or vaginal birth, the important thing to remember is that your kiddo can end up a total bum if you smile at their fragile little body in a hormone-fueled postpartum daze.

Breastfeed or bottle-feed? Experts are divided on this all-important question. Some claim that bottle feeding is a guaranteed one-way street to a teenager sneaking out of their bedroom window to go smoke, drink, and try a little PCP-laced weed for the first time in an empty parking lot behind a K-Mart that closed thirteen years ago. Others point out the fact that most bottle-fed babies grow up to be productive members of society, so the key to raising a drug addict must lie elsewhere.

Co-sleeping has been shown to lead to meth use while bassinets are associated more with fentanyl. Wait, no… was it the other way around? Anyway, you’ve gotta do one of those two. Pick one and stick to it, unless it’s not working out well for you, in which case you’ll be fine switching it up. Don’t worry, they can still come home for Christmas with sunken eyes, yellow skin, and an unnatural thinness that can only be the result of constant drug use.

It’s crucial you enjoy every moment of their happy giggles as you blow raspberries on their toddler tummy. It’s key that you get frustrated and struggle to contain your anger as they throw a tantrum in the middle of your first restaurant visit in three months. But just because you’ve got high hopes for your kid, don’t forget to have fun and savor every moment of their childhood. They’re only little once!

Encourage them to go down the big slide for the first time. Teach them how to ride a bike and proudly watch them pedal and balance halfway down the block before falling into the neighbor’s yard. Cuddle them and fall asleep with them in your arms. Smell their hair and feel complete and whole. Desperately cling to those moments and force yourself to imprint them in your memory. That’s what every other parent of a drug addict did.

Send them off to school with a tear in your eye. Be proud of the shitty artwork they brought home and hang in on the fridge with an Eiffel Tower magnet you got that one time you visited Paris. Get mad at them for getting in trouble. Tell them grades are important even though you know it’s not the grade that matters. Take them on vacations—national parks, the ocean, a cabin in the woods. You can even try Disney World if you can afford it, but it’s not a requirement.

At the end of the day, raising a drug addict is not so much about making all the right decisions and saying all the right things. It’s about intent; you want to discover them stealing money from your bedroom to buy drugs, you want them to call you the first time they need bail, and that’s what really matters. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Or do, I don’t know. One of those two is guaranteed to land them in a trap house.

Most importantly, make sure you love them unconditionally. Devote your whole self to that kid. Every diaper change is one step closer to their overdose. Every Disney movie they watch, every birthday gift they open, every visit to their grandparents’ house—all of it is another step they take toward being involuntarily committed to a rehab facility.

Remember, mom and dad, that your actions have consequences. You are your child’s role model. Drink in front of them or quit drinking the moment you found out you were going to be a parent. Yell at them or practice gentle parenting. Avoid screen time as much as possible or shove an iPad in their face for every waking moment. All of these decisions are so important to ensuring that your child grows up exactly as you intend. You are fully in control here. You’re molding your child from scratch, and the end result is entirely a product of your efforts. There are no other factors at play.